2020 - 2021 will be forever known as the 'limbo' period for me

時間を回る部屋 Time Loop Room

(Jikan wo Mawaru Heya)

作曲、編曲、歌詞 ：ttj9

ボーカロイド + Biscuits ：GiantOrigami

写真、ビデオ ：Gene

You can listen to the music with extra storyline here.

I'm sure when we're all older, we'll look back at 2020 and pat ourselves on the back for having survived a pandemic. But for me, 2020 was one of the most soul-crushing years for me. It wasn't a direct-hit kind of pain, but damage-over-time. A grey kind of 'limbo'. It was a sense of daily dread knowing that I could be making better use of my time at home.

On this same year which I lost my relationship as well as several jobs and gigs, I knew I had to get myself back on track. Everyone else seemed to be doing just that with their own lives too. But it proved to be a difficult task for me, as I found myself waking up only to look forward to ending the day.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't suicidal or anything. But I was a little bit gloomy and constantly fearful of my own stagnation. It was thanks to various people that helped me get through it, really. After the pandemic became more stable in Malaysia, I decided to ask help from Azhym (GiantOrigami) to create artwork for a song I had been working on. He told me, "I don't draw anymore. But I can do the vocaloid tuning for you!"

Now, I love the process of vocaloid tuning. So when Azhym told me he wanted to do it for me, I was happy because I'd get to learn some new techniques from him! Before this, the two of us had only been virtual friends; we met 5 years ago on Vzermy, a Facebook community of self-published vocaloid artists. But for this project, we decided we could meet in person (we live in the same state) to discuss things too.

Little did I know, we ended up forming what I would call a genuine friendship. We both enjoyed listening to and creating vocaloid music, so we were always talking about it in the most passionate way. At one point, i plugged in a mic for him and we started covering songs in my room! (Since I pretty much suck at every instrument other than the violin, I don't think you want to hear those covers...)

Well, that's the story with Azhym. What about Gene? How did an artist from Johor get to know a musician from Penang? Well, we met about 5 years before the time of writing. I was playing in anime events in KL and Johor with Higashi Kitty Band, an anisong cover band. We were pretty well-received, especially MinRi who had tons of fans. But Gene was a very special fan. He came all the way from Johor to KL more than 3 times to watch us (and of course attend the ACG conventions there). On one occasion, he gifted me a large canvas painting of Kaneki (whom I cosplayed as) playing the violin. I was touched, as I never thought any audience member genuinely thought of the violin as an important piece of Higashi Kitty Band. Over time, Gene became not just our fan, but an actual fan which we'd eat with and so on.

So of course when I was thinking who would create the visuals for this song, I could only think of Gene. I wanted to see what it would be like collaborating with him. Turns out, he had been dabbling in what he calls 'photoedit illustrations'. You can see an example of it in the video thumbnail and final frame. I was open to the idea, as I felt that since this song's theme was realism, photography is perfect for it. Realism being "This is the harshness of the world you live in".

Eventually, the year ended and this song was not completed. I looked back as 2020 and I felt so defeated, thinking that I barely accomplished anything. Well, somebody I spoke with said, "you just feel like you went backwards because the road ahead suddenly looks more daunting."

"its not that you moved backwards, but its that you gained more awareness of how much you dont know haha"

I think those are words that will live with me forever. (the casual haha, too.)

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Well, that's that for sappy doomer storytime. If you're interested in the process of making this song, I will write about it from this point forward.

This song was actually an assignment given to me by my jazz teacher Wilson Quah. He's an amazing pianist. Quite a purist, as in you won't see him playing a keytar. That being said, he is not totally closed to new ideas as well. His assignment to me was "Create a fusion song - one that would combine jazz elements with any other genre of music."

"Create a fusion song - one that would combine jazz elements with any other genre of music." That was my assignment.

I was happy to receive that assignment. Many things came to my mind, from math rock (which is already a kind of jazz fusion), ghibli-jazz, and lo-fi. I think I ended up choosing lo-fi to fuse with jazz because that genre has always been seen as a form of relaxation than art. I knew many friends who love lo-fi, and I myself get really heart-warming feelings when I see the positivity in the comments section for lo-fi music. What I didn't expect was that I'd write such depressing lyrics to go with the lo-fi beat.

These lyrics were written in Japanese because I love the language itself. Most people want to learn the japanese language because of media such as anime, songs and films. That is true for me, I remember times when I was fervently reading translations of Jin (a famous vocaloid artist).

On the other hand, I love the grammar and sounds of the language itself. The way that it's so easy to make puns, or that each kanji is thick with meaning and history. It's almost like studying the language of jazz to me. Even though it's not what I grew up with, I can see it's unique points.

I must mention that the lyrics would not have been as grammatically pristine if it wasn't for an anonymous proofreader, which I credited as 'leaf'. It was leaf that checked the sentences that I wrote to make sure it sounded natural. leaf also explained the nuances of the various options of saying the same thing. I would say the reason why this song has so little words is simply because each sentence requires so much deliberation and thought.

Upon completion of my assignment, Wilson told me I'm making a lot of questionable decisions in terms of the harmony and the beat. Ultimately, I picked and chose which of his advice to actually apply to the song, because no matter how much I tried, it just sounded like the song had to go a certain way. A lot of his advice were really great, though. I wonder if he'll like the finished product...

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When I was making this song, I felt like I was just following my heart. But by the end of creating this song, I wondered why I even wrote such a depressing song. I thought, "Why would anyone want to listen to my song? They'd just feel more sad."

But someone told me, "If you're looking for a reason why sad songs should exist, it's right there. It's that people are making them."

This was quite powerful to me. The quote doesn't mean 'find validity in your actions by looking for someone else who has done it'. It means to do something because YOU want to do it. And that's how I got the motivation to finish mixing and mastering this song. Because I felt that this song was an outlet to how I felt. I needed to finish this... And especially because of COVID-19.

The song's title actually bounced through a few ideas before landing on this one. The first title was 'Limbo' because the verses created this feeling of not being sure if anything in your life is changing.

The second idea was "The room where there is no day". This is a play on the idea of daylight, as the main character never goes out nor wants to look outside. As well as the idea that time stands still in this room. Perhaps it stands still because he does nothing at all? Or maybe it stands still because he's focused on something that it doesn't matter.

The third idea was "Hikikomori". This is the caricature of a 'shut-in' which is popular in Japan's youth. I think we all became shut-ins this year, but I wanted to explore the emotional journey of a pessimistic shut-in. Sure, there are productive shut-ins such as the game developer Nito, or certain bedroom musicians who produce great original music. I eventually abandoned this idea because I felt like I could never holistically understand the cultural phenomenon without regretting it later. (I.e.: I may be falsely portraying hikikomori because I'm thinking of one kind of hikikomori).

So finally, we came to the current and final title "時間を回る部屋“ (Jikan wo mawaru heya) or Time Loop Room. It means the room that can make time move. The word 'mawaru' not only means move, but spin. And because of the soul-eating cycle of waking and sleeping which I experienced, I felt like this play on words works in both ways. This song also loops perfectly, implying that the main character falls right back into his bad habits after a brief moment of motivation.

Because of this title, the fan imagery came about. We were looking for anything round, but a fan is not only round but stationary. It's constantly moving but it remains in the same place. And I think that is exactly how I feel when I end each day of 2020. It's also how I feel when I ended 2020 in it's entirety. In Malaysia, we started lockdowns on the April of 2020. We were devastated, but we thought things were getting better. Before we knew it, things got worse and we're on another lockdown on the January of 2021. One can't help but feel like we're stuck as a country, and not only in the aspect of disease control. (But nationalism is another topic for debate entirely. I believe in people, not nations.)

With the release of this song, I hope that I can give myself a little push to make more music in 2021. I know that with the support of my friends, I can pull myself together and not repeat the cycle of 2020.

Thank you for reading.